esiol

1.) “Ew, langaw, go to like, the baho stuff!”
2.) “My eyes are white na kaya kaka-wait for you!”
3.) Cousin during outreach in Payatas: “Yuck, so baho, amoy masa!”
4.) “I made bagsak one of my subjects. My mom’s gonna galit to me. I’m super patay!”
5.) “I’m making uwi, sama ba you?”
6.) “Holdup! Make bigay all of your thingies. Don’t make galaw or I’ll make superpoke you with the ice pick!”
7.) “Shet…I got gulat!”
8.) “We went to Payatas, and my Prada shoes got dumi.”
9.) “What if sa future I get pangit, will you make iwan me na?”
10.) “So sarap your food, puwede pa-have?”
11.) “Kill the ipis! Pero don’t step on it ha? Kadiri the sound.”
12.) “So baboy the pig!”
13.) TRUE STORY, a member of my team asked a sari-sari store owner: “Good PM po, where’s the tamang way to the hospital?”
14.) “I’m sad. My tito made dedo.”
15.) “So kadiri, I almost made suka.”
16.) “Manang, pa-order tapsi-egg.”
17.) “Driver, why didn’t you make potpot?”
18.) “Make me sama, let’s make wiwi.”
19.) (when buying ice tubig) “Manong, pa-buy ng ice water…in sachet!”
20.) My 3y.o. son asked me what a hammer is: “Mom, is this for hammering the pokpok?” Pokpok refers to a nail.
21.) “I have kuwento for you!”
22.) “You’re so bad, see ka ni God!”
23.) My sis always say that from the house, going to the mall is “JEEPABLE”. Same goes when she rides the MRT to a place, she says its “MRT-ABLE”.
24.) “Rizal said that sinuman who doesn’t make mahal his own salita, is daig pa ang rotten na fish. Ew, dabah?”
25.) “Manong! Go faster! I’m nagmama-hurry!”
26.) Kolehiyala babysitting her younger sibs: “Hey kids, don’t do that! Don’t make saktanan okay?”
27.) Tindera in tiangge: “Mamser, pick na! Anung want niyo? Anung like niyo? We have lahat here!”
28.) “Manong, pa-buy isaw…medium rare!”
29.) When a butiki fell on the kolehiyala: “Ewww, kadiri! Lacoste!”
30.) “Now na, now na? Or now na later?”

1.) You’re awakened from sleep by a friend who says: “Gising na, pupunta pa tayo sa burol!” Nung mahimasmasan ka, you realize yung kaibigan mong gumising sa iyo, yun yung kaibigan na bibisitahin niyo sa lamay.
2.) You’re watching TV in your condo on the 15th floor, and you see a kid na nakiki-nood from your window.
3.) The elevator stops at a floor you didn’t press, and each time it’s about to close, it opens, as if someone from the outside is pressing it.
4.) If you knock on the door, then someone knocks back, but once you open the door, no one’s inside.
5.) You’re taking a shower, then you feel something hitting your forehead. You look up, and you see a man hanging from the ceiling looking at you.
6.) Looking in the mirror and seeing another face on your shoulders.
7.) You order food, and when you open the door, the delivery guy says: “Anong name nung anak niyo!” But you don’t have a kid…
8.) The elevator stops at every floor, and as the elevator opens on each floor, the same guy is standing there.
9.) You’re sitting on the toilet bowl, and when you look towards the shower, you see feet peeking from under the shower curtains.
10.) You’re in an elevator with a confused-looking man, when suddenly the elevator jerks, and stops. The lights go out, and then in the dark, you hear the guy say: “Patay ka na rin ba…”
11.) You’ve been wondering why you’ve been having back pains all week. Then one day, you pass by a mirror and you see a dark creature piggy-backing on you.
12.) We were in our biology lab when we heard a small voice crying for help. We were looking and looking, until we realized it was coming from the large jar of formalin with a fetus inside.
13.) A family locked up their house because everyone was going out of town. As they drove away, they looked back, and saw the silhouette of a woman waving them goodbye.
14.) True story: My friend who used to be a member of San Miguel Master Chorale recorded their song on a mobile phone. When they played it, they heard a high pitched voice saying “tulungan niyo ako…”
15.) You’re driving late at night, and you look at your side mirror, and you see someone staring back at you.
16.) Entering an elevator alone but once the door closes, you see a reflection of another person standing beside you.
17.) Getting stuck alone in an elevator. Then the guard who can see you from the cctv cam, tells you: “Buti nalang marami kayo diyan…”
18.) If you’re shampooing your hair, at nung kinakapa mo na yung soap, may biglang mag-aabot sa yo.
19.) Waking up at 3am, getting out of bed, then looking back at your body, still in bed, as a dark figure hovers over it.
20.) Driving alone on an empty road. A girl suddenly crosses the road out of nowhere and you hit her. You hit the brakes and you look behind you in panic and she’s now sitting in the back seat looking straight at you, smiling menacingly.
21.) Late at night, you ride a taxi alone, so you get surprised when suddenly a pale girl is sitting beside you. She points to the driver and whispers: “Bumaba ka agad…siya ang pumatay sa akin…”
22.) You get awakened by a knocking on your room door and someone saying: “Gising na, kakain na!” Then you realize you live alone.
23.) You’re alone in a chapel, paraying intently, when suddenly you hear a voice whisper in your ear: “Hindi yan nakikinig sa yo…”
24.) You turn on the TV and it’s all static. You think you hear voices, but it’s so faint that you couldn’t quite make out what it was saying. You come closer, and you realize the voice was saying: “I’m coming for you…”
25.) You get barraged with tweets from an unknown username, and when you click on it, it says: “user does not exist”.
26.) You were walking alone at midnight in your university campus when suddenly you see kids running around without any adult supervision. Then an old woman suddenly comes up to you and says: “Hindi nila alam na patay na sila…”
27.) A girl was on a jeep alone, when suddenly, the driver stopped and asked her to go down. She was wondering why, when the driver told her: “Umuwi ka agad at sunugin mo yang damit mo. Tuwing tinitignan kita sa rear view mirror, wala kang ulo.”
28.) You’re sleeping when you get awakened by someone caressing your head. You thought it was your boyfriend, when you suddenly realize he’s already at work. As you realized this, you hear a whisper in your ear saying: “Hanapin mo ang pumatay sa akin…”
29.) My brother and I were watching TV, when I saw the reflection of an old man on the TV screen. Since my brother wasn’t saying anything, I thought I was the only one seeing it. Finally I tapped my brother, then he said: “Wag kang magulo, para umalis na yung matanda.”
30.) You get a barrage of scary texts in the middle of the night from an unknown number, saying stuff like: “I’ll kill you while you sleep”. You decide to call the number, then you hear a cellphone ringing from under your bed.

1.) During a game show. Host: “Pagkain na mabaho.” Tessa Prieto: “Tae!”
2.) Weakest Link. Edu: “Ano mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol na tao?” Contestant: “Itlog ng tao!”
3.) Starlet promoting her new movie: “Showing na po ang pelikula namin on the twenty-twoth of May!” (May 22)
4.) At a call center. HR: “Walk-in?” Applicant: “No, commute.”
5.) Secretary on the phone: “Mr. Manalo is out of town eh, would you like to wait?”
6.) Pinay with foreigner in a resto: “(burps) Wow, I’m fed up already!”
7.) Host: “Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?” Contestant: “Sunog!”
8.) Host: “Ano ang inaayos sa hangar?” Contestant: “Yung sira!”
9.) My sister in a fancy resto: “Ang lamb chops ba gawa sa GOAT?”
10.) Friend ordering at a burger joint: “Miss, isang burger with cheese, at isang meron.”
11.) Ordering at a dimsum resto: “Miss, isa ngang siomao, este, siopai! Sige, mami na lang…”
12.) Officemate buying snacks: “Bayad, etong neneng ko.”
13.) Game Ka Na Ba. Kris: “Ano ang tawag sa daliri sa paa?” Angelica Jones: “Fingerlings!”
14.) I work at a hospital. One day, a man barged into the ER with a huge wound slashed across his neck, with blood spurting all over! One nurse approached him and calmly asked: “Ano po ang problema?”
15.) Friend ordering: “Miss isang breast, puwede yung kaliwa?”
16.) At a beauty pageant. Host: “What part of the Philippines would you promote to foreigner?” Girl: “Bocaue.” Host: “Why?” Girl: “Because of the Bocaue Rice Terraces.”
17.) At a fastfood. Me: “Miss, isa ngang fork.” Countergirl: “Ano fong klaseng fork. emfanada?”

1.) The driver told the passengers: “Pasok pa, maluwag pa yan, parang galing Japan!”
2.) I rode a tricycle and told the driver: “Lakad na po tayo.” He said: “Gusto mo palang maglakad, eh bakit ka sumakay ng tricycle?”
3.) My tita rode a jeep. Tita: “Mama bayad!” Driver: “Ilan po ‘to?” Tita: “Dalawa, may niyog!”
4.) My friend: “Mama tabi lang po sa may shed!” Driver: “Do you mean, sa may ‘waiting shade’?”
5.) A co-passenger in a jeep told the driver: “Mama para po sa tapat ng kambing!” When the goat started to run, the driver kept following it. When the passenger said: “Para! Lampas na ko!” The driver said: “Hindi ka pa lampas, kasi eto pa yung kambing!”
6.) I paid 500 pesos so the driver asked if I had smaller bills. I said: “Wala na po akong mas maliit.” The driver said: “Ows…pramis? Sige nga, pakapkap!”
7.) The barker was shouting: “Pito pa! Pito pa!” The a really fat guy rode on the jeep. After the barker shouted: “Lima nalang! Lima nalang!”
8.) Barker at MOA: “Isa nalang, isa nalang…yung walang friend!”
9.) A guard at the gate asked our driver: “Saan po tayo, ser?” Our driver answered: “Kami lang, hindi ka kasama.”
10.) A foreigner asked: “How far from baguio?” Driver said: “Day here, night there!” (What he meant was, you’ll leave here in the morning, you’ll get there at night)
11.) In Pampanga, there’s a minibus w/c has labels for its seats, on the left side: “DITO MAGAGANDA” and on the right side: “DITO MGA PANGIT”. When the driver saw that everyone sat on the left side, he said: “Asuuuuuuuuuuuus!”
12.) A sign on a jeep: “Pag sa jeep naidlip, malayo ang mararating.”
13.) During a sharp turn, the jeepney driver shouted: “Kapit lang po sa matigas!”
14.) Driver: “Ang di pa nagbabayad magbayad na! Wala nang libre ngayon! Kahit nga ang pag-ibig…may kabayaran na…”
15.) Taxi driver was telling us he used to be a family driver. When we asked why the shift, she sadly said: “Kasi po naging crush ko sa ma’am…”
16.) Driver: “Upong ipit-itlog lang po!”
17.) When the driver or the conductor says: “Mag-ingat lang po sa mandurukot!” It means a known pickpocket just boarded the bus or jeepney.
18.) A friend asked the taxi driver, referring to the meter: “Boss magkano patong niyo?” Driver: “Miss ha, naughty ka! Pero para sa yo, libre na patong ko.”
19.) Woman: “Manong, dadaan kayong ilog?” Driver: “Hindi sa ilog, sa tulay lang.”
20.) Taxi driver said to the gas boy: “Full tank, 200 pesos.” (Paano kaya yun?)
21.) Driver: “Sinong bababa sa IBON?” Nobody had any idea what he meant, until he stopped in front of AVON.
22.) While I was driving, we saw some monkeys on the road. So I joked to my wife: “Hon o, mga relatives mo!” She answered: “Oo nga no, mga in-laws ko!”

1.) During a game show. Host: “Pagkain na mabaho.” Tessa Prieto: “Tae!”
2.) Weakest Link. Edu: “Ano mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol na tao?” Contestant: “Itlog ng tao!”
3.) Starlet promoting her new movie: “Showing na po ang pelikula namin on the twenty-twoth of May!” (May 22)
4.) At a call center. HR: “Walk-in?” Applicant: “No, commute.”
5.) Secretary on the phone: “Mr. Manalo is out of town eh, would you like to wait?”
6.) Pinay with foreigner in a resto: “(burps) Wow, I’m fed up already!”
7.) Host: “Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?” Contestant: “Sunog!”
8.) Host: “Ano ang inaayos sa hangar?” Contestant: “Yung sira!”
9.) My sister in a fancy resto: “Ang lamb chops ba gawa sa GOAT?”
10.) Friend ordering at a burger joint: “Miss, isang burger with cheese, at isang meron.”
11.) Ordering at a dimsum resto: “Miss, isa ngang siomao, este, siopai! Sige, mami na lang…”
12.) Officemate buying snacks: “Bayad, etong neneng ko.”
13.) Game Ka Na Ba. Kris: “Ano ang tawag sa daliri sa paa?” Angelica Jones: “Fingerlings!”
14.) I work at a hospital. One day, a man barged into the ER with a huge wound slashed across his neck, with blood spurting all over! One nurse approached him and calmly asked: “Ano po ang problema?”
15.) Friend ordering: “Miss isang breast, puwede yung kaliwa?”
16.) At a beauty pageant. Host: “What part of the Philippines would you promote to foreigner?” Girl: “Bocaue.” Host: “Why?” Girl: “Because of the Bocaue Rice Terraces.”
17.) At a fastfood. Me: “Miss, isa ngang fork.” Countergirl: “Ano fong klaseng fork. emfanada?”